Updates and Stuff

It's been a while since I've updated my blog, but tonight I feel like it's time to put some thoughts down.  As most of you know, my eventual goal is to write a book about my journey in emergency services.  That said, I need to put some thoughts down tonight.

For the first several years of my EMS career, I put on a very tough exterior and tried to be that "rock" that held everyone else together.  I remember back in the 90's I had one month where I had 6 or 7 pediatric patients who died, all for different reasons.  I remember that I got a card from some friends in my EMS family that encouraged me to stay strong and keep my chin up.  At the time, I thought, "Well I'm ok, but this sure is sweet."  Now, almost 20 years later, I find myself haunted by so many of the bad calls of years past.  There has been much discussion about PTSD and EMS in recent years.  Anyone who stays in this job for any significant length of time (over 10  years) is certain to have faced many events that would just incapacitate an ordinary citizen if they saw it.  I have always accepted this as a part of the job and have always remained tough.  I have had many lifeless children thrown in my arms through the years, and I have rushed them to the truck doing mouth to mouth without ever thinking twice about it.  After the calls were over, I accepted that we did everything we could and that as unfortunate as it was, they died. 

That being said, I've started to notice some things over the last couple of years.  I am becoming more tenderhearted for one.  I cried about 2 patients in my first 17 or 18 years in EMS- just two!  Now, in the last 3 or 4 years, I find myself thinking much more about my patients and their outcomes.  I think about their families.  I think about the expression on their faces.  I think about what parts of life they will miss now that they've died (prom, drivers license, graduation, college, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc.) None of this has affected how I do my job or anything like that, but I have noticed the trend of being a little more caring than I've ever been.  Now, here's the kicker and the part that is strange to me.  I feel like in recent months I'm being somewhat haunted by those from the past.  No, not as in the ghostly form, but in the form of curiosity.  For example, I'll drive up a road and pass an intersection where I went to a fatal wreck 10 years ago.  Suddenly, I start thinking about it and it bothers me that I can't remember the details.  I remember it was fatal, I remember the time of day, the season of the year and what firefighters were there along with who my partner was.  What I can't remember is the patient.  That's a blur.  I don't remember their faces for the most part.  I don't remember what they were wearing, etc.  It's like somewhere in my mind I have blocked the "worst" details about what happened.  So then I go on a quest.  I google it, I search the News and Observer, WRAL, WTVD, etc. and I try to learn everything I can about the incident.  I try to remember those details.  Then, with the help of the media, some of those images come back.  It's almost like I needed that closure.  I needed to know those details for some crazy reason. 

I've sat here tonight, racking my brain about two particular calls.  One was a fatal wreck out on Cleveland Road in the early 2000's.  It had to be around 2003, 2004ish.  It was late at night and 2 friends of mine who were in fire/rescue and me were coming back from the RockOla in Garner when the call went out.  Immediately, the telecommunicator (Danny Morgan) had me call him on the phone.  He said, "A fireman came up on it, said everybody is dead and he got scared and left and went to the fire station." I immediately turned on my lights and we rushed to the scene.  I arrived just behind Cleveland firefighter Charles Kneeshaw and Chief Matthews.  We found a Jeep Cherokee in the middle of the road with front-end damage and we found a passenger car in a field that was destroyed.  One side of the car was pushed to the other.  We had only 1 flashlight (no apparatus had arrived yet) so we started counting victims.  The people in the jeep (2 adult men) were walking around and said they were fine.  We look in the car and there are bodies on top of bodies and I counted 3 people.  Charles then said, "No Jason, look there are 4 heads, it's 4 people."  He was exactly right, 4 people.  I remember it looked as if someone flipped a light switch.  One of them still had their lighter in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  Just that quick, literally in the blink of an eye, those four people were killed.  They were all upper teens, maybe early 20's at the most.  I remember how we got them out.  I remember Joan Vause was on one of the ambulances.  I think Mick Stewart may have been on another.  I remember those details.  What I don't remember are the faces.  I think it was 2 girls and 2 boys.  I don't remember what they were wearing.  I don't remember their faces.  They have somehow been blocked.  I think deep down inside me I want to know who they were, I want to know about their families.  I want to know who was left behind and do I know these people.  Do I work alongside some of them and not even know it.  For the sake of being "tough" I guess I just blocked all of those things out back then and never bothered to even want to know.  Now, more than ever, I do want to know.  I want to know all about them.  I want to know what happened to the guys that hit them.  I want to know what date it was, what year it was.  I carried these four lifeless teenagers to the morgue but I can't tell you what they looked like or what they were wearing or what their injuries were.  Something blocked that out. 

I had another incident in the late 90's where a little boy was playing in a sand pile.  It was a new development and construction workers had piled up a load of sandy dirt in the yard.  A little boy climbed up on that mound of sand and it caved in on him.  A family member, as best I can remember, found him buried and pulled him out.  When we arrived, I remember vividly one of my heroes, Becky Denning was on the ground doing CPR on this lifeless child.  She was spitting out sand after giving ventilations.  Becky was yelling at us to bring the suction as soon as we got there.  I remember suctioning out sand, lots of sand.  Then, just as all the others, it's a blur.  I don't remember whether I drove or rode in the back.  I was an EMT-I then.  I don't remember the child's name.  I don't remember the year or the date.  Those details again haunt me.  I want to know all about it now.  I want to know who the parents were and if they're still around.  I want to know if they felt like we did everything we could or if they were mad at us.  I want to know were there other brothers or sisters or was this their only child.  I have so many questions.

Why weren't these details important to me then?  Did I not care?  Am I that different a person now or have I just matured over the years and refocused on the important things in life.  I have many, many more scenarios very similar to the above.  They generally involve fatalities.  If you see me in the library going through newspapers or see me pause at an intersection and just look around, I'm trying to go back to unblock some of the details.  Maybe it's good that I blocked them. That may be why I'm still working in EMS.

To the younger people in this line of work - don't be afraid to care.  Don't be afraid to follow-up.  I used to didn't follow-up on any of my patients, because deep down, I didn't want to know.  My job was done, move forward.  That's not the case anymore.  I think it's a crying shame that it has taken me over 20 years in this line of work to mature and develop a heart.  I'm glad I finally did and I think it makes me a better paramedic than I have ever been. 

Hello everyone! 

It's been a little while since I updated the site, so I thought I would give everyone an update.

First of all, I've been working really hard lately to update the jocofire.com website.  I've worked on the history page, getting some photos added, etc. and also have been working on the appearance of the site.  Here are a few of the most significant changes:

- I have changed to a new site for photos.  I am now using Flickr and everything after April 1st, 2013 is now on Flickr.  At some point, I hope to go back and move all photos over.  Flickr is so much easier to use. 

-  I have added photos to the history page.  This is a work in progress and I am in BIG need of Johnston County Fire Department historical photos.  This can be of incidents, apparatus, personnel or stations. 

-  I have created a jocofire.com Facebook page.  This has proven to be really popular.  You should be able to get to it, but if not I will gladly send you an invite.

-  I have created a Youtube page so I can post videos.  This page is "JOCOFIRENEWS" and can be found at the following link:  www.youtube.com/jocofirenews.  It is a work in progress but I hope to add many videos to the site for you.

As some of you may have noticed I am responding to more scenes than usual.  I have recently incorporated my own business, "Thompson Media Group, LLC" because I do sell my photos from time to time.  A couple of local media outlets have expressed interest in my photos and I am thrilled to be able to help them out.  From an emergency responder prospective, I can't contribute any photos to the media when I am working, and I am avoiding anything related to Town of Clayton business as well.  If you see me on scene, please act natural and continue your good work.  I am not there to get in the way; and I will check in with command to let them know I am there and find a good place for me to set up.  Anything that goes to the media from me is from a "public" point of view and will be from behind the scene tape.  Anything I take inside the tape and "up close and personal" is for YOU the responder.  I want each of you to be able to use these photos for training or personal use.  My intent is that you have a photographic history of your journey in emergency services that you can be really proud of one day when you look back.  Having worked on both sides of the scene tape through the years, I understand the importance and integrity of not releasing some photos and will not post anything that even remotely crosses that line. 

Please check out all of the new updated sites, and be safe out there!!