The Patients We Cannot Save

I have not blogged in a little while now, so I am going to try to catch you all up with some miscellaneous ramblings.
Yes again, I have I had to pull a lifeless teenager from their motor vehicle. A few nights ago I responded to a multi-vehicle accident and found one of the victims to be deceased. As there were multiple victims and I was there in a supervisory capacity, I sent someone immediately to confirm the DOA and assisted with triage of the other patients until the last was transported. Then I remained on the scene for a while later to ensure the deceased was transported appropriately by our contracted service. If they weren't going to respond timely, I was going to arrange to transport him myself via ambulance, but since we had multiple ambulances tied up alread, I didn't want to go this route unless I had to.

I never saw the deceased until some time later when I was tasked with removing them from the vehicle while awaiting our transport service. I realized quickly that this was another teenager. For the first time in a long time I had to take a second look. This particular person resembled a close friend of mine. I then looked back at the vehicle and at the person's license and knew that this was a stranger to me, yet the resemblance shook me. I could only imagine in my mind the feeling this child's parents would feel when the patrolman delivered the news to the family. I looked into this particular victim's eyes, looked at their hair, their teeth and for the first time quite a while, I felt terrible inside knowing I could not help this child. I guess in recent years as the sheer volume of fatalities has increased, I have become slightly hardened and have not felt that personal "connection" with each one as I did in my early years of EMS. For some odd reason this one was different. I truly felt the loss and wished more than anything that I could have done something to help this poor child. This victim was no longer a number. They had a name, a face, distinct facial features and they stuck in my mind.

Perhaps as I wind down my EMS career each one will become more and more personal. I remember my father saying after 20 years in Fire and EMS "I don't care if I never go to another wreck" recalling how so many times it was someone he knew, or the parents or children of someone he knew. I guess perhaps I am starting to feel what he did.

One thing I did today that I have always done is I read this child's obituary. I read the names of the parents, siblings and the short biography that accompanied the photo of the face that I remember all too well. My advice to new EMTs is to do just that. It helps remind you that each DOA you encounter was a real person. They had a family that loved them and friends who will miss them. For many years I have gone to the funeral visitations of fatal accident victims if they are local. I have a feeling that tonight I will make that trip once again. I generally go alone, and find that the travel time to and from the funeral home or church gives me time to think about my life, my family and the ones that I love. This time helps me to realize just how lucky I am. It also helps me reflect on how priviledged I am to work in the best profession in the world. I realize each time that my job as a paramedic is NOT always about the ones that I save - but about the ones that I couldn't save and the lessons they teach us all.

So many young EMTs and Paramedics focus on saving lives and feel they are a failure when they are unable to save a life or if they are not given the opportunity. I do not feel that way at all. Each patient we encounter, whether dead or alive is a patient to me. Though I may not can physically help them, I can ensure they are treated with dignity and respect. I can also guarantee to them that in their last minutes of life, a paramedic cared very much, treated them with dignity, and assisted their family in dealing with the loss. We cannot and will not save every patient. We must remember that we can impact the lives of the dying and their families.

Thank you for listening - I know I feel better.